A couple of week ago this question was posed to me.
It started out as a question being planted in the back of my mind and has slowly, over the days, grown to a constant conversation with the Lord. Please take a second, stop where your thoughts are going, start over in your mind with a blank page and see what thoughts come to you: What is Beauty really?
I have been plagued with doubts of my beauty for almost my entire life. I remember being in first to second grade and thinking that other girls were prettier, skinnier, had better hair, and whatever, than I did. Through the years, this has only gotten worse. I have struggled with my self-image for so long and that started affecting my self-esteem. To make myself "prettier" and "more beautiful" I have starved myself, changed my clothing, changed my hair styling, tried make-up; basically, done everything to change my appearance that I could do on a poor student's salary. Let me tell you what I have learned from all of my experiments: I never felt prettier. I never felt more beautiful. I never felt happier.
This summer at Maranatha, my struggle with my beauty and self-image came to an all-time high. I don't know where it came from or what triggered it, but I couldn't stand anything about myself. I was so frustrated! I knew the truths that the Bible says about my beauty and image - I am the Lord's creation! He made me very good! He finds me beautiful. But man, I did not believe any of this. It was purely head knowledge.
It started out as a question being planted in the back of my mind and has slowly, over the days, grown to a constant conversation with the Lord. Please take a second, stop where your thoughts are going, start over in your mind with a blank page and see what thoughts come to you: What is Beauty really?
I have been plagued with doubts of my beauty for almost my entire life. I remember being in first to second grade and thinking that other girls were prettier, skinnier, had better hair, and whatever, than I did. Through the years, this has only gotten worse. I have struggled with my self-image for so long and that started affecting my self-esteem. To make myself "prettier" and "more beautiful" I have starved myself, changed my clothing, changed my hair styling, tried make-up; basically, done everything to change my appearance that I could do on a poor student's salary. Let me tell you what I have learned from all of my experiments: I never felt prettier. I never felt more beautiful. I never felt happier.
This summer at Maranatha, my struggle with my beauty and self-image came to an all-time high. I don't know where it came from or what triggered it, but I couldn't stand anything about myself. I was so frustrated! I knew the truths that the Bible says about my beauty and image - I am the Lord's creation! He made me very good! He finds me beautiful. But man, I did not believe any of this. It was purely head knowledge.
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So ever since this question was thrown into my life, God has been teaching me truth about beauty. We are surrounded by a world today that does not know what beauty is. Beauty has been lost. Our world today is focused on the outward beauty. On weight. On hair. On make-up. On acne. On tanning. On jewelry. On our outward appearance. I was caught in this whirlwind of false importance as well. If I was only skinnier... If only I had clearer skin... If only my hair was longer and could hold a curl... Blah, blah, blah.
I knew I was unhealthy in my ways of thinking of my own beauty. Through a series of conversations with God, I feel like truth is finally hitting my heart and I can feel my own beauty.
On top of this whole beauty conversation going, God has also been showing me things about my heart. For so long, I have hidden my heart and my emotions, thinking that I was a burden to those around me. I have felt things, but have tried to hide them. I have numbed myself behind anger, been shamed of tears, and mellowed out my rejoicing in order to not make others feel badly. I have not opened up my heart or used it in ways that are glorifying to God. Instead, I have hidden behind fears.
Enough is enough.
My heart is precious. The things that I feel from within and the emotions that I pick up from those around me and the environment that I am in - these are important. My heart is not a burden. My heart is a weapon that God has bestowed unto me. I am a princess that feels for others. I am also a warrior for my precious King.
"Who is this who looks down like the dawn,
beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun,
awesome as an army with banners?"
-Song of Solomon 6: 10
Here, Jesus, our beloved, is referring to his bride, you, that you are both beautiful in your femininity and a vital and strong warrior to the fight of our faith. My ability to feel for others and pull out emotions in myself is a tool of connection. The enemy does not want me to use this gift that God has blessed me with. He does not want me to make heartfelt connections with other people. He wants me to feel alone and ashamed in what my heart tells me and brings into my life.
As I have slowly accepted the heart that God has given me, I have started to see the potential behind what I hold inside. By opening up my own heart, I give others permission and encouragement to open up theirs. By being vulnerable in my emotions, I have given others truth and dispelled lies. By choosing to listen to my heart, I have been able to encourage and love people in ways that I normally would not be able to. My heart allows me to love people who I do not get along with. When I let my heart lead me, I can enter into relationship with more people.
Tell me, what do you think the Enemy is most afraid of? I think it's love.
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So what is beauty?
Beauty is your heart. Beauty is the love you have for your Creator and Savior. Beauty is the love he holds for you - the love that he proves time and time again for you, each time he takes the cross for you instead of letting God's wrath fall upon you. Beauty is loving your sisters and brothers in Christ unconditionally. Beauty is loving those who are not believers. Beauty is loving people who you would like to push off a cliff. Beauty is trusting what God has given you and provided you with. Beauty is light. Light rarely comes from the external. Beauty rarely comes from the external.
Here is truth: I will never be happy with my appearance if I am not happy with myself.
More truth: I will never feel pretty or beautiful if I do not act in a pretty or beautiful way.
Even more: Who am I to call something beautiful or not beautiful? I cannot judge. Only the Lord has enough truth and wisdom to deem what is and is not beautiful.
I have come to accept that I will have days where I will feel very ugly. I will also have days where I will feel like a princess. But I think God is leading me to a place where that will not determine my self-image of -confidence. For if my heart is seeking beauty and living out of beauty, then I shall radiate beauty.
I shall radiate beauty.
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No Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth, was judging Israel at that time. She used to sit under the palm of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the hill country of Ephraim, and the people of Israel came up to her for judgment. She sent and summoned Barak the son of Abinoam from Kedesh-naphtali and said to him, "Has not the Lord, the God of Israel, commanded you, 'Go, gather your men at Mount Tabor, taking 10,000 from the people of Naphtali and the people of Zebulun. And I will draw out Sisera, the general of Jabin's army, to meet you by the river Kishon with his chariots and his troops, and I will give him into your hand'?" Barak said to her, "If you will go with me, I will go, but if you will not go with me, I will not go." And she said, "I will surely go with you. Nevertheless, the road on whch you are going will not lead to your glory, for the Lord will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman." Then Deborah arose and went with Barak to Kedesh. -Judges 4:4-9
this blog is beauty
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